The Karaoke Rules

The Karaoke Rules

I love me some good karaoke.  What better way to whittle down an evening then with some friends, drinks, and good tunes.  There’s always the possibility you’ll be reacquainted with an old song you loved but have forgotten about or partake in some audience wide singing.  Unfortunately there are the select few mongoloids who don’t respect the karaoke god.  Presented here are some rules to help you sort through the karaoke world and not be an asshole.

1)      Never pick a song that is over 5 minutes in length

Listen, I understand your enthusiasm for the format and maybe one of your favorite songs is “Stairway to Heaven”.  But please think about the audience.  We don’t want to listen to you warble your way through 5 minutes – its goddamn agony.  After 4 minutes we are just praying you'll get a heart attack and keel over so we can get on with our evening.  Stop being an asshole and hogging up the time.  Some of us want to sing our songs before closing time.

2)      Don’t pick a slow song

Karaoke is supposed to be a fun time.  Enjoying time with friends, drinking various things you’ll regret in the morning, eating gross bar food during and after the drinking and telling anyone within hearing distance how AWESOME the food is, possibly flirting with the OK-looking stranger because he/she sang a song you liked, etc.  We don’t want to be bummed out.  Please for the love of god don’t sing that Enya song.  It's great that it reminds you of a lost love or a dead relative.  We don’t want to see you cry, unless it’s because we are insulting you, which is fun.  Even still, cry at home listening to your depressing shit while drinking some wine.  It's the only respectable thing to do.

3)      It’s not open mic night

I’m sure your friends think you are the second coming of George Carlin.  I’m sure your insights and wit burn bright like a comedy Sun which us lowly beings can’t look at directly.  Fantastic, but stop talking into the microphone cunt nose.  Sing your song and be done with it.

4)      Pick a song you know reasonably well

Call me cantankerous or unreasonable, but nothing is as gratingly annoying as when someone picks a song and proceeds to rape the joy out of it.  Why would you pick a song you have never heard before?  Do you enjoy standing in front of a large group of strangers mumbling you’re way through a strange song?  This disease is usually seen when people decide to indulge their inner rap fantasy by choosing a rap or reggae song.  It always ends with 2 or more people on stage in a muddled mess screaming out random words from the song.

5)      Keep a reasonable distance between your mouth and microphone

I’m not a germaphobe.  I’ve been known to extend the “five second rule” to how ever long time period suits me.  Even still, I don’t feel like grabbing a microphone with your disgusting drool all over it.  Don’t eat the microphone my friend, its deadly.  Just remember, like the line in that song, it’s electric.

6)      Thank the karaoke person

      Don’t be an asshole.  Thank the person for putting on your song and going through the gulag of your performance.