He’d really never been a stylish individual, unless round and nerdy can be considered a style. After his horizontal growth spurt, aided in part by fast food and his parent’s insistence on eating their product at the bakery, he entered junior year with a new fleet of comfortable clothing – sweats and pajama bottoms. And so began another year of anonymity…in sweats and pajama bottoms.
That year also bought about his favorite class – Geometry with Mrs. DiGorda for 5th period. Besides the obvious allure of dealing with all sorts of angles, triangles, straight lines and segments, he had managed to grab a seat near Maria. Positively sure that she’d never considered his existence, she had been his object of affection ever since the water fountain incident[1] of the prior year. So they sat there, by the window overlooking Pasley Boulevard learning about proofs; Him in his sweats, her in all her mediocre beauty in the seat to the right.
The seat behind him was occupied by Omar, a friend by all the insane measures that one can consider someone a friend in high school. Omar was square headed and by virtue of working in his father’s liquor store after work, one of the more gregarious students in the school. He also suffered from tiny warts on his hands leading to much embarrassment. He learned to cope by not shaking anyone’s hand but rather opting for hugs. Hugging other guys in high school of course meant he was always the subject of gay rumors. This being high school, rumors of being gay were far better then the reality of being perceived as physically deformed with warts.
One day, Omar began talking bout the latest Sega Saturn game, “Nights”. Who he was talking to wasn’t really important since this was video games, the most important thing in the world obviously. This game posited that the gamer take control of jester dressed flying blue beings. It really wasn’t a great game but allowed one to image flying around causing havoc unencumbered by laws of psychics or sloppy bodies. Omar was rambling on about the merits of this game when suddenly Maria interjected in her wonderfully shrill voice.
“Are you talking about “Nights”? I was playing that last night. It’s sooooooooo much fun like really.”
He turned to her and then to Omar. Both of them were mouth agape at this interjection of interest. A girl playing video games? A girl with boobs playing video games? AND the video game to end all video games that year? He started to answer but the bell rang signaling the end of class. Even the bell was bullying him around. The class started to empty but he felt particularly odd. And that’s when he realized why he felt odd. He was sporting an unimpressive raging boner.
Suddenly he cursed his new fashion styles. Why hadn’t he just worn denim which as all males know, is much easier for hiding an erection? Why did he wear the dark beige wind breakers which now clung hopelessly to his erect member? So he sat there quietly, slowly gathering his effects as the room emptied out. Each student out the door representing a tiny paper cut in his dying dignity.
“Hey man, we’ve got to get to the next class” opined Omar.
“Yea, you don’t want to get detention” chimed Maria.
Great, NOW she was talking to him? Apparently she only conversed with guys once they were fully humiliated. He looked up at both of them but didn’t offer anything other then a shrug. Omar squinted a knowing squint and let out a small chuckle then excused himself to the next class. Suddenly it was just him and Maria as the new student started filing into the room. He had to make a decision before it was too late so here it was. He started getting up in sections. First the knees swung to the left, then he bent over exaggeratedly hoping the pressure would squash his boner, then with his right arm he grabbed all the books on his desk, and as he prepared to get up, he slammed the books against his crotch to cover the offending member.
“Um what is that?” asked Maria.
Unfortunately, he wasn’t really athletic or quick in any sense so while his movements in getting up struck him as lightening fast, they were in fact slow and clumsy. She had seen everything and was now pointing and staring at the mass of books covering his crotch.
“Oh ummm just some pens were sticking out my side. You know, sweats and all” he nervously let out.
“…yea sure…” she said. And that was the last time she ever spoke to him again.
[1] During the 1st semester of sophomore year, not long after the school year had started, he suddenly found himself running down the eastern corridor of the second floor by the AV room. Why he was running, he never really remembered since it was inconsequential (although knowing him, it probably had to do with a smart comment directed at the more popular types who dealt with such matters in fist-y fashion). Regardless, he was running and not really paying attention when he hit a patch of wet floor caused by a broken and overflowing water fountain. This sudden lack of traction resulted in wild arm and leg swinging and a general loss of control. As he careened down the hall unable to control his expanding mass, Maria had exited her class to go to the bathroom. She opened the door and started down the hall opposite of the direction in which he was heading. He saw the door and was able to grab onto it and halt the momentum that would have surely led to a quick and painful meeting with the lockers down the hall. Maria never turned around or realized what had happened but he fell in love after mentally taking note that she had saved his life.
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