Disney Princess Total Dirtiness Quotient - Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty

 Cinderella

Viewing Cinderella’s tale now, I can clearly see it was some evil ploy by overbearing fathers to make sure girls abided by curfew and didn’t stay out that late.  Thanks assholes, for ruining many potential hook ups for me and my brethren.  Nonetheless, she stands here for judgment and here’s how it shakes out:

Employment: 3

Habitats of Friends: 1

Physical Activity: 2

Co-Habitants: 1

Mate: 1

Total TD: 8

Case for Dirtiness: Once again we are presented with a young lady who is basically a slave (seeing the pattern here?  Maybe Disney suffered from Slave-owner guilt…).  Fortunately, Cinderella is only a slave to her step family.  She lives a pretty comfortable life in a cottage and unlike Snow White, her family isn’t a bunch of roughneck miners.  And other then her making googly eyes at her mouse friend turned horse, there’s nothing to be alarmed about. 

Case Against Dirtiness: She cleaned and was subservient to her family but again, they weren’t that dirty to begin with.  They were just cunts, clean cunts but cunts nonetheless.  And while she was friends with the animals like birds and mice, it must be noted that these animals lived in her cottage so they weren’t feral.  And she did end up (probably) banging out a prince so there’s that.

Verdict:  Really, Cinderella is too vanilla to be considered an impact TD quotient player, but nothing like our next contestant.

Sleepy Beauty

Sleeping Beauty aka Aurora is the first actual princess.  There’s no fucking around here, she was born straight up after King Stefan plundered his Queen’s goodies.  Even better, her parents were freaks as evidenced that while she’s an infant, they are already renting out space in her vagajay for Prince Philip.

Employment: 1

Habitats of Friends: 1

Physical Activity: 1

Co-Habitants: 1

Mate: 1

Total TD: 5

Case for Dirtiness: There is almost no case to be made for Aurora as she really doesn’t do much of anything.  She’s born then we see her as a 16 yr old pricking her finger then she falls into a deep sleep and then is saved.  It could be argued that Aurora is incidental to the story as Prince Philip is the real driver.  Aurora is just the vessel by which the story needs to be told.  The only inherent dirtiness is that Aurora’s spell is broken when she’s 16 at which point we can only assume she and the prince went to some hidden quarters behind a shed to have awkward teenager sex. 

Case Against Dirtiness: Most. Boring. Princess. EVER.  This girl didn’t do much of anything. Her stats are depressingly undirty.

Verdict:  Blah.

Tomorrow we'll tackle the holy trifecta: a fishy Ariel, beastiality connoisseur Belle, and the first minority Jasmine.