Spanishness

I’ve noticed a recent trend among friends and acquaintances where-in they want to start speaking Spanish.  For some insane reason, it has become the “in” thing as if being Spanish makes one somehow more exotic.  I suppose you can argue learning Spanish might be necessary for one’s work or school or whatever unimportant thing decomposing your life.  Fine, whatever, but learning Spanish won’t ameliorate your effective Spanishness.  With this in mind, I’ve decided to present a few simple steps to increase your overall Spanishness:

Hmmm I wish I could drink you, you temptress

Fabulouso – For many growing up in a Spanish household, Fabulouso was at once the most delicious-looking liquid that could possibly kill you and also the most aromatically potent.  Nothing could fill your nostrils quite like the scientifically designed, spic approved berry smell.  Developed over centuries and passed down from the Incan gods, this purple liquid (I’ll concede that it does come in other colors however it is scientifically proven that purple is more sanitary) is the defacto cleaner of everything in the household.  It is also so potent that it requires dilution, such as a teaspoon for every gallon of water.  Sure, you can have your Lysol with its 99.9% killing of germs, I’ll take my Fabulouso with its unknown % killing of germs and possibly die of contamination – but it’ll be with a smile.

Please use for a 2% increase in Spanishness.

If you're a female on his show, chances are you had his baby as well.

Sabado Gigante – For the uninitiated, Sabado Gigante (GIANT SATURDAY) is the tent pole of Spanish media.  Hosted by Chilean born noted illegitimate children conceiver Don Francisco, it is equal parts game show, talk show, soft-soft core porn, musical variety show, and sketch show.  Growing up, it was my

Sesame Street

, where life lessons were imparted. 

For many of my Spanish associates, Sabado Gigante is how we spent family time bonding, laughing as the venerable host made creepy advances on the smoking hot women working on the show in various capacities.  It’s how many of us learned that sexual harassment is not an evil thing but rather a necessary thing, loved by young Spanish women in skimpy outfits.  It’s the show that taught us that breaking into dance during random times was expected and necessary.

Start watching this show for an immediate 5% increase in Spanishness. 

Tucking Shirts In – This is more of a special for the fellas out there.  We all know that tucking dress shirts in jeans is an acceptable fashion action.  We Spanish take it a step further by tucking in every shirt - we don’t discriminate.  T-Shirt? Tuck it in.  Sleeveless shirt?  Tuck it in.  Bowling shirt?  Tuck it in.  We like clean lines, even if those lines are obscured by our hanging bellies. 

Besides adding 3.5% Spanishness, this action will also result in an invaluable increase in animalistic sexiness.

So take heed and use these small steps in moderation as an overload can cause extreme Spanishness which is usually highlighted by an irrational fear of Immigration and the chupacabra.  In time, you’ll increase your overall Spanishness quotient.  So while you may feel silly ordering a Margarita in Spanish due to an overall lack of rolling Rs, just remind the bartender that you’re much more Spanish in other areas.