The Monty Python Presidency

Breaking one of my general rules, let’s discuss politics briefly.  I recently saw presidential hopeful Michelle “My Husband isn’t Gay but Certainly Likes Anal Play” Bachmann state that were she to win the presidency, she would return the country to $2 per gallon of gas.  I’d like to thank her for ticking my ridiculous bone with this statement and allow me to discuss a presidential race that is shaping up as a lost Monty Python sketch.  We have a seemingly endless cadre of ridiculous Republican nominees on one side.  From the swaggering Texas governor who decided going for leisurely runs while carrying a firearm wasn’t enough to satisfy the stir crazies in his constituency so instead decided to embrace radical evangelism by decrying evolution (which makes sense since Texans as we know, have yet to evolve) to Bachmann’s amazing ability of saying nothing consequential while being factually wrong on everything and never losing credibility with her believers to Stepford husband Mitt Romney who’s so boring, stiff and borderline creepy that I wonder if he actually didn’t die some time ago and what we are witnessing is the first reanimation of a once cryogenically frozen Mormon.  I’m not even including the endless parade of sycophants and press whores circling the GOP like blood thirsty vultures such as Gingrich, Ron Paul, etc.

For the Democrats the picture is slightly brighter yet still obfuscated by a smearing of shit on the lens.  There’s Mr. President Obama, a nice guy really.  Unfortunately he’s acted during his short tenure as president like a 13 year old boy afraid his mom will bust in on him while he’s masturbating.  He’s been too tentative, meek too quick to satisfy as many people as possible.  Some will point out that this has been the result of bipartisanism on Capitol Hill in the form of kicking/screaming GOPers unwilling to yield anything to a black dude with big ears or the state of the country he inherited due to mistakes of those before him, but the fact remains that he’s been sort of a pussy.  Fine, I’ll concede that under his watch, Osama Bin Laden was finally killed.  But really, give me a solid economy and jobs report over a decrepit, dialysis-dependent jackal any day of the week.

And really those are our choices.  The greatest country in the world will rely on its citizenry to shift through the fetid toilet bowl and pick the prettiest turd in the bunch.  But what do we want?  Everyone wants to be heard and have their needs met.  Everyone wants a scapegoat to blame and pay for the “crimes” committed.  This fervent anger has alarmingly mutated into anti-intellectualism, which permeates from any political convention held in Middle America.  It’s dangerous to be educated and have ideas that don’t clearly fall in line into right and wrong.  Being educated and/or not holding the Bible as the guiding force in your life is viewed as Un-American, an affront to the very sensibilities of those leading the charge.  I don’t mean to attack those who view the Bible in such light but the question must be asked by someone:  What in the Bible points to effective leadership of Government? 

The question stands however: what do we want?  Personally, I’m tired of pie in the sky idealism.  A candidate coming out swinging with promises offends my intellect.  Stop with the bullshit already.  It might be cynical but it’s apparent that our country is too fractured for any one President to accomplish anything grand while in office.  Small victories will always be there but small amounts to shit when the country is on the verge of offering blow jobs in exchange for debt forgiveness.  I want a candidate to stand up on a podium and simply state that he/she will do their best to not fuck shit up worse then it already is.