Disney Princess Total Dirtiness Quotient - Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty

 Cinderella

Viewing Cinderella’s tale now, I can clearly see it was some evil ploy by overbearing fathers to make sure girls abided by curfew and didn’t stay out that late.  Thanks assholes, for ruining many potential hook ups for me and my brethren.  Nonetheless, she stands here for judgment and here’s how it shakes out:

Employment: 3

Habitats of Friends: 1

Physical Activity: 2

Co-Habitants: 1

Mate: 1

Total TD: 8

Case for Dirtiness: Once again we are presented with a young lady who is basically a slave (seeing the pattern here?  Maybe Disney suffered from Slave-owner guilt…).  Fortunately, Cinderella is only a slave to her step family.  She lives a pretty comfortable life in a cottage and unlike Snow White, her family isn’t a bunch of roughneck miners.  And other then her making googly eyes at her mouse friend turned horse, there’s nothing to be alarmed about. 

Case Against Dirtiness: She cleaned and was subservient to her family but again, they weren’t that dirty to begin with.  They were just cunts, clean cunts but cunts nonetheless.  And while she was friends with the animals like birds and mice, it must be noted that these animals lived in her cottage so they weren’t feral.  And she did end up (probably) banging out a prince so there’s that.

Verdict:  Really, Cinderella is too vanilla to be considered an impact TD quotient player, but nothing like our next contestant.

Sleepy Beauty

Sleeping Beauty aka Aurora is the first actual princess.  There’s no fucking around here, she was born straight up after King Stefan plundered his Queen’s goodies.  Even better, her parents were freaks as evidenced that while she’s an infant, they are already renting out space in her vagajay for Prince Philip.

Employment: 1

Habitats of Friends: 1

Physical Activity: 1

Co-Habitants: 1

Mate: 1

Total TD: 5

Case for Dirtiness: There is almost no case to be made for Aurora as she really doesn’t do much of anything.  She’s born then we see her as a 16 yr old pricking her finger then she falls into a deep sleep and then is saved.  It could be argued that Aurora is incidental to the story as Prince Philip is the real driver.  Aurora is just the vessel by which the story needs to be told.  The only inherent dirtiness is that Aurora’s spell is broken when she’s 16 at which point we can only assume she and the prince went to some hidden quarters behind a shed to have awkward teenager sex. 

Case Against Dirtiness: Most. Boring. Princess. EVER.  This girl didn’t do much of anything. Her stats are depressingly undirty.

Verdict:  Blah.

Tomorrow we'll tackle the holy trifecta: a fishy Ariel, beastiality connoisseur Belle, and the first minority Jasmine.

Determining the Disney Princess Total Dirtiness Quotient - Part 1

A mouse lives here...

Nostalgia distorts our memories of a past time.  It allows us to look past the unseemly parts (like say racism, sexism, idiotism) and be content with “those-were-the-days” boners.  Fortunately, mathematics and statistics help us make sense of past and present times without the nostalgia hang over.  We can use our minds (as well as our trusty TI-89 calculators) to calculate accurate and ruthlessly efficient numbers that give us a good base for comparing things.  No longer do I have to listen to some strung out hippie tell me the 60’s were really the best decade and how I missed out.  I can instead define criteria for measurement and apply weighted factors to determine if this is indeed the case.  But really, I’d be wasting my time because this isn’t inherently important to me.  So what is?  Glad you asked really.  I’m determined once and for all, to dig deep and find out which Disney princess was the dirtiest. Using sabermetrics developed by MIT engineers as well as common sense, I will present the case for dirtiness and against dirtiness for each princess in the Disney canon in order of when their movies came out.  The factors I will include in my analysis are:

Employment: What was the princess doing during the day?  Was she cleaning or being an actual “princess”?

Habitats of Friends: We all know each princess is friendly with animals but I’m more interested in where these animals originate from.  Are they forest creatures or lagoon creatures?  Are they from the jungle or are they domesticated?

Physical Activity:  Was the princess running around for a large portion of the movie or stationary?*  

This factor will also include a climate variable as moving about in hot weather obviously causes an increase in dirtiness.

Co-Habitants: Who did the princess live with for the majority of the movie?

Mate:  Who did the princess end up with?  Was it a prince or a pauper type?

Each factor will be graded from 1-5 with 5 being the dirtiest possible unachievement.  The final grade for each factor will be summed to get a Total Dirtiness (TD) quotient which is infallible and scientific.

Without further ado, let’s study our first contestant.

Snow White

Ah Snow White, the original, the pater familias of the Disney princess.  Her story, modeled after an old German fairy tale, exploded onto the national consciousness in the 30’s and signaled the beginning of women setting far too high standards of love and men.  Here is how her stats checked out:

Employment: 4

Habitats of Friends: 3

Physical Activity: 2

Co-Habitants: 4

Mate: 1

Total TD: 14

Case for Dirtiness: The case for her dirtiness stems from the fact that she lives in the woods…with dwarfs…who were also mine workers.  As anyone can attest, dwarfs have a unique odor which tickles the olfactory nerves much like old people stench, but shorter.  In addition, she served as an indentured servant for these dwarfs, cleaning their soot, messy house and doing whatever else was needed.  Who can really say with any measure of certitude that the princess didn’t get down with handies and hummers in appreciation for the dwarfs’ hospitality?  Animals were also a fan of hers, running around and being all friendly.  Was this because she smelled like an animal and they weren’t afraid?

Case Against Dirtiness: Sure she lived with the dwarfs and cleaned and all, but wouldn’t the cleanliness of her work extend to herself as well?  It might be a stretch but I’d like to believe that she would take care of herself much like she took care of the shitty cottage where the 7 dwarfs lived.  She wasn’t running around for any part of the movie really and seemed not to exert too much energy.  Plus it wasn’t like she was living in some hot arid place therefore one is only left to assume that her sweating was kept in check. Further, her animal friends were forest dwelling creatures which we all know are much cleaner then jungle or swamp creatures.  In addition, she did manage to attract a prince who kissed her while she was presumed dead, even with knowledge that she probably had some kicking morning breath and might be a corpse – no small feat.

Verdict:  Based on the presented facts and calculated TD quotient, Snow White runs in the middle of the pact.  A TD of 14 suggests Mister Disney might have been cognizant of not storming out of the gate with an outright clean or dirty princess.  He must be commended for his long view of the matter.

Tomorrow: cleaning after step sisters with Cinderella and forgetting to set an alarm with Sleep Beauty.