Weekly Enemies of the State

Today's missive will be brief but decisive.  It's time to list out the weekly enemies of the state.  These are individuals whom I'm never met other then maybe passing them by on the street or subway.  Even though I don't know these people, I'm almost positive they are all horrible individuals.

1) Guys who wear pleated khaki slacks - Stop dressing like the lonliest child molester.

2) People who smoke cigars at lunch time - while you may have the same girth, you my friend are NOT Tony Soprano.

3) People who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work - you aren't clean, you're just the asshole with a brush and toothpaste at his desk.

4) Girl's who spell out OMG like "OH EMM GEE" - These girls need to immediately contract bird AIDS.

5) Guys over the age of 25 who still wear their college graduation ring - so did they teach you do be a douche at nondescript Ivy League school?

6) People who talk about how "big" they've gotten because of boxing - you know what's gotten big?  My urge to choke you out.

The "I would Do It This Way" Crowd

"Why don't you stick around, the left nostril is next"

At my job, I’ve often tasked with organizing a happy hour event.  Admittedly, the compound douche factor of this task does not escape me but my love for drinking helps mask the small piece of my soul that dies off when I send an invite out.  Regardless, I send this email out to most of my friends within the firm and sometimes I feel charitable enough to extend the invite to people within the firm that usually don’t come out.  One of the people I recently invited is the sort of individual I like to call the “fun killing one upper.”  The fun killing one upper is the person who takes a jokes by someone and relates it to their own life often in unfunny and sometimes in depressing, awkward silence inducing ways.  He’s also the type of person that doles out advice unprompted, including the most annoying “I would have done this…” type.  This person is usually not invited to “fun” drinking events but fuck it, sometimes you have to extend the olive branch.

So this particular time I sent the email feeling slightly good about minimizing the “frat-bro” narrative in my invite and expecting some agreements that a good drinking session was in order.  Instead what I received is a piece of advice, or rather a piece of advice telling me what the person would have done in place of my actions (namely send the email invite a day later since Monday is "inappropriate" for discussing going out on Thursday).  I’ve never really understood this line of thinking as I don’t really give a rat’s ass what a person would do in place of my actions.  Knowing what you would have done in place of my actions only serves to reinforce my belief that you are an idiot and most likely lead an extremely boring life.  It also leaves me apprehensive as I realize that you probably went through some “thinking” process where you imagined you were me and had dreams about how you would act in that scenario.  In this case, what else did you do while fantasizing about being me?  The possibilities are endless and more disturbing then the next one.  

The point is: please don’t tell anyone what you would have done in place of another person’s actions.  No one cares.  You should instead worry about what YOU currently do and how much you suck at life.  And fantasizing about being someone else and acting as them is exceedingly creepy, unless of course it’s an athlete, because really, who HASN’T fantasized about being Michael Jordan?