Sexual Education

As humans, we love to argue.  We argue about things which can’t be solved like creationism vs evolution or tits vs ass.  These arguments don’t really excite me as I can’t offer a solution.  One argument though, that has been looming large in my medium sized dome is that of sexual education.  This is an area argued mostly by religious folks and busy body moms, and usually breaks down into two camps: those that believe in Safe Sex Education – teaching kids to wear condoms and use birth control and be safe when engaging in sticking P’s in V’s – and then Abstinence Only Sex Education – making sure every student is terrified of any sexual contact lest their giblets fall off in wart riddled stumps.  While I’m firmly entrenched in the Safe Sex Education camp, I do believe there is another method which could be just as effective: The Virgin Sex Education.  Let me explain.

The Virgin Sex Education method revolves around the theory that there are certain things boys and girls can do to remain virgins and ensure no one will want to have sex with them at all.  Of the many benefits, the biggest would be taking out the peer pressure element of having to say “yes” or “no” to sex and instead ensuring the student can be comfortable knowing no one will preposition them for sex.  Also, students wouldn’t feel anxious and pressured to carry around condoms and be safe and worry about things like being cool.

So what is the Virgin Sex Education method?  It boils down to giving students the tools used my millions of virgins.  Let’s break it down by gender shall we.

·         Boys

o   Play role playing games where creating avatars are necessary

o   Wear t-shirts with “funny” sayings such as “Touch My Nuts” with a picture of pecans

o   Let your hair grow out without washing it

o   Grow out the peach fuzz mustache

o   Talk in public about “Magic: the Gathering” and how you would have won if only you’d received a “Spells” card

o   Consistently mention how no girl can ever compare to your mom

·         Girls

o   Wear mom jeans.  For extra coverage, bedazzled mom jeans would work best.

o   Wear pajama jeans and brag about how comfortable they are

o   For spring break, go to Disney World

o   Tell everyone how your idol is a Disney princess.  Dressing as a Disney princess once a week for school would be doubly effective.

o   Don’t shave or tweeze

These of course are merely the beginnings of a more comprehensive curriculum.  It would require an in-depth analysis and interviews with those that were able to remain virgins not through choice but rather through circumstance.