Confession – I love sports. I’ll watch almost any competitive contest just because I love competition. Weirdly however, I don’t have any favorite teams or really follow any teams regularly. I’m more interested in thinking about competitive outcomes within a historical context (like for instance experiencing a transcendent performance or season). I find it more fun to root against teams sometimes. I’m also always more excited to experience the “better” story. When people learn this, they look at me askew but there are very specific reasons why this has been the case.
Most individuals are handed down their rooting interests from their father or grandfather. Well, my grandfather on my dad’s side lived in another country and I never really spoke to him extendedly. My mom’s father on the other hand was a hairy asshole more concerned with banging out randoms and drinking whiskey, so he wasn’t in my life at all. So what about my father? Well he isn’t exactly the portrait of a sportsman and there’s evidence to back it up. The evidence – younger sister and I are the same age for 10 days of the year. Chew on that.
Both born in winter months, my sister and I prevented my father from enjoying any winter sports. Also, an argument can be made that he didn’t really get into the spring sports since he was too busy humping my mom’s vagina. That sort of stuff happens when you are poor and have no TV, you go around having kids that are 11 months and 3 weeks apart.
Also working against me, I’m a contrarian. I dislike liking things “just because.” Growing up in Jersey, the local teams available for rooting interest were the Nets, Mets, Yankees, Jets, Giants, Devils, Rangers, and Knicks.
·
- The Nets never appealed to my sensibilities because their name was stupid, they sucked major King Kong dick, and played in an arena so dilapidated that not even the homeless would squat there.
- The Mets played at Shea Stadium with its façade of a neon swinging baseball player which I knew even at 6 years old was amateurish.
- The Yankees – well everyone and their mom around me was a Yankees fan and how fun can it be to join the lumbering masses in rooting for those soulless turds? Plus pinstripes only serve to make you look like an asshole, always.
- As for the Jets, we can all agree that the image best conjured by their fans is that of a Vinny from Staten Island with a constant spittle on the side of his mouth. And that Fireman Ed guy is a complete piece of shit. Take it from someone who worked at the stadium and interacted with him countless times. I hope he chokes on a bucket of dicks.
- The Giants – in 5th grade I had a classmate named Jimmy who wore Giants clothing twice a week and was absolutely obsessed with the team. Stats spewed from his mouth in the depressing manner of someone trying to convince himself fully of something. I really hated that kid and his Giants sweats.
- Devils and Rangers – I’m Spanish, hockey is out of the equation.
- Knicks – I loathed Knicks fans the most growing up, especially when they would refer to that shit hole Madison Square Garden as the “basketball mecca.” I hated Patrick Ewing, the missing evolutionary link and how he’d leave a puddle of sweat on the court where he stood. I hated the orange and blue color scheme.
So I never followed any of these teams, or entertained the notion. I grew up detached yet loving competition which is where I stand now. It does lead to issues at times such as when I’m at a bar that has aligned itself with a particular team and I show up to root for the opposite team. I find it fascinating how irrationally passionate some people are about their fandom. FINE, I shouldn’t have said your quarterback is into beastiality, but don’t threaten to shank me.
